So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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