when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
