"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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