Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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