If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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