She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
