Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
