I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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