The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
