make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
