I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
