Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Terrible idea I love it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
