nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
