I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
