i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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