cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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