there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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