I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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