That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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