omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
