My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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