i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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