meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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