overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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