The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
