I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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