I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
