I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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