I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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