I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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