Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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