I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
