I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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