Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
