I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
