things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
