I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
