So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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