Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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