i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
