ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
