She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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