I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I did not marry a roomba.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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