guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
