I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
