i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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