Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
