I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
