woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
