Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
