Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
